A Conversation

So I met the new priest last night. It was our annual back to school BBQ. The first brief encounter revolved around Alma thudding to the ground in front of the rectory. Out came the twelve year old blonde boy called Father Dale asking if anyone needed last rites. He was charming and distantly friendly. We introduced ourselves and I told him that I was planning to spend the year doing "confirmation" (wrong word). He smiled and told me he wasn't sure of confirmation schedules yet. I knew 'confirmation' was the wrong word but the correct term slipped my mind.

Later as I sat fulfilling my volunteer hours by handing out Oktoberfest flyers and asking people to get involved, I saw him talking to Bill across the lawn. I hoped their conversation was more fulfilling as I watched them interact casually, almost playfully.

As the evening wore on, I saw Father Dale walking my way. "So, Amy," he said, "I've been talking to Bill..." I joked and said, "Uh-oh". "He tells me that you're thinking about converting!" he said. That was the word. Geez. I told him I was. He told me that Bill had told him that I was raised evangelical. He told me that he was too. Not just evangelical but AG. Then he looked at me, and I looked at him.  We both had a knowing look. We were both lost in thought. Nothing was said aloud, but more than enough was being conveyed. He took a breath to speak and we noticed a line of eager parents who were interested in meeting the new priest.

I sat there stunned and thrilled. Here was my ally. Here was a priest who had recently converted after being raised evangelical and leaving the church. Here was someone, the first person I'd met in a LONG while, that understood my spiritual world. Here was someone who had lived it. Who without saying a word, had told me that our paths were connected.

Now I am here, with even more of a sense that my path is the right path, at the right time, with the right people. I eagerly await more conversations with our new priest. I am sure that he can answer the questions that I can't even begin to form. Thrilling and scary.

Our new priest

I haven't met our new priest yet, but my hopes are high. He is 30-something. He is a convert. A recent one at that. He looks twelve. This is a change from our last priest who was older and a little intimidating, not because he was mean, but because he was just a typical priest. When I found out about Father Dale, I did my typical Google search and this is what I found.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=139337719

Why Catholicism?

 "Most roads don't lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you.”  

Jesus, The Shack.

I was raised evangelical. My parents are still evangelical. I am not. I have not been since I left home. I spent many years coming to terms with my faith. I am still coming to terms with my faith. I think I will always struggle with it. I guess that's what it's all about though, right? 

So, the question above probably begins with why anything? Why do this at all? What purpose does joining a church serve? 

I have long felt that there is a chunk missing from my life. This chunk is mainly what I guess you'd call 'community'. I have a circle of friends, I have a loving family, I have friends that are good enough that I'd let my children live with them if something happened to me and Bill....but in the larger sense, I feel a bit lost. Growing up in a family that was VERY involved in church (we are talking at least 3 church sessions a week here), I always felt a strong sense of community. This word means different things to different people, but for me it means camaraderie, mutual support and fellowship. Hard as I've tried, I have never been able to find these things outside of church. That is, until Guillermo (my six year old son) started attending Catholic preschool. As I began to spend time in the church/school, I noticed something about the people there. Not everyone went to church every week or even every month, but they were connected. They had a sense that the people around them were there for them, would help them if need be. This hit me. It still hits me. I honestly haven't felt that since I left my parents' house! I have been drawn in since those first months. 

The answer then, to why do this at all comes with a long answer. First, I want my children to have the same sense of fellowship that I had as a child. I want them to be able to walk into a place and know that everyone there would help them if they needed something. And you know what? I want to feel that way too. I want to be supportive of others in my community as well. I want to know that I am connected. I want to work with others to support causes. I want to be part of something. Don't we all? Well, maybe. But I have finally come to realize that God is part of that connection for me. 

Old friends from my childhood surely recall my faith and call me a backslider (ask me about that sometime), but I've never really lost my faith in God. What God is is a whole different story...but the idea of God...yes, that has always been there. I quoted The Shack at the beginning of this post. I remember reading that book and being so impressed with the concept of the trinity there. I also remember loving the character Jesus. I remember having this epiphany and a moment of new found freedom when I read the quote above. It changed my outlook about religion actually. It got me thinking about how we find our way to God. It wasn't until years later that I felt the Catholic path pulling me in. And then, in my murky faithland, I wonder...is this Jesus meeting me? Is this the path in which I will become connected? I guess so. And here is why.

Having been brought up in an Evangelical setting, I have always been drawn to the subdued pomp of Catholic mass. I love the quiet reverence.  I feel at peace during prayer. I like knowing what to expect. I like the fact that masses feel almost the same as that last pose in yoga that is all about inward meditation. I like that no one is watching to see if my hands are waving. I like that no one talks out of turn. I like that no one yells Amen! I like that sitting in that sanctuary listening to the priest, I find myself meditating on God. Solely God. The mass feels like home to my heart.  

OH, and then there's this:

And now we begin

It has been a long time coming, but this year will be the year I convert. Yes, convert. I am going to become a Catholic this year. This is both shocking and confusing to my friends for a lot of reasons, and I have been questioned several times about why I am doing it. The comment I hear most is, "But...you aren't religious" (insert incredulous tone and expression of shock). After the aforementioned, the most common opinions are that this is absurd because of the many awful things the church has done, because of the political persuasion of the church, because of the priest problems, because of the male-dominated and downright weird culture of the Vatican. These are all issues that I have been struggling with since the beginning of this journey as well. In fact, these questions are part of why it's taken so long for me to start the process of conversion. The other part is the fact that the process is pretty involved. It means, one night a week away from my family and a lot of work that, quite sadly, I'm not sure I have the brain for anymore.

So, having explained myself, I will use this blog solely to hash out my questions, concerns, lessons, mystic beauties, and every other experience in the next six months of preparation for baptism and conversion at the baptism of my children next Easter. 

It isn't without some fear and trepidation that I begin this journey. My heart doesn't feel ready to be faithful. My mind doesn't feel ready to suspend itself outside of reality. My soul is tired. But, when I think about it, all these reasons to run away are the best reasons to step headlong into spirituality. It has been sorely missing from my life for too long. It is time.